you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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