I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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