Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
