I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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