At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Sober January is a disaster.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
