i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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