i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
