you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
