there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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