she smelled like a LAN party
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
