Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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