Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
