Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
