I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
