i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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