Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I smell stomach acid.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
