He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
