im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
