there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
