On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Randomize
