I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
