I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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