I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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