I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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