Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
