I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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