I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
