Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
