Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize