True but thats because hes a fetus.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Less talking, more tequila
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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