I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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