What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
