my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
