My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
