Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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