The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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