Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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