I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
