I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
