My Higher Power is John Stamos
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I party with great urgency now.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
