i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
