I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Randomize
