Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
