sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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