Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
