did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
