My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
