shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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