She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
