I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
