I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize