Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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