My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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