Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize