Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize