Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
