finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize