come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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