some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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