Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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