I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
