mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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