That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
