Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
