If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
