I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
