so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
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