For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
