$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
