i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
